First Time At A Dog Show
>
> First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain,
> I'll never, no never, go near one again.
> The breeder said 'show him' when I bought the dog,
> I showed him alright - the whole place was agog.
>
> They gave me a number.
> They gave me a pin.
> But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in.
> So I rushed to a shop and bought some clear glue
> And stuck the card on his back in the loo.
>
> We arrived at the ringside to find we were first
> In the dog pup class (this part was the worst).
> We marched in together as fast as was able -
> Arrived at the judge, who said 'up on the table'.
>
> This really suprised me,
> my skirt was quite tight.
> And I just couldn't make it, try as hard as I might.
> The judge looked quite worried, he said 'listen here -
> Put your dog on the table, not you my dear!'
>
> By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool.
> But I said to myself 'play it cool, play it cool'.
> 'How old?' said the judge,
> and I heard it quite clear.
> Well really! I thought and said 'thirty next year!'
>
> The steward, poor fellow, threw some kind of fit.
> He spluttered, he coughed,
> and his eyes ran a bit.
> 'I'd have that cough seen to' I said to him
> when He'd finally stopped....
> then he started again.
>
> 'Once round the ring, dear, as quick as you can'
> Said the judge, so I did, I just ran and ran.
> But when I arrived (out of breath I admit),
> The judge said 'Your dog, dear' - I felt such a twit!
>
> Off round once again, I kept my head bent.
> Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and he went!
> The lady came running with bucket and spade.
> With manure so pricey, had she got it made!
> We came back to the judge who said with a frown
> Stand your dog' . I said 'Please sir, he's not laying down'
>
> 'You can take the first prize stand' he said - I said 'Ta!'
> What a job I had getting the stand in the car!