Bulldogs World

I have just recently joined this forum, but I have been comming here for years. Due to the intensity of my pain I need to say goodbye for a little while. But I wanted to thank the members for all of the great advice, the condolences of support, and most of all, for sharing.. The pain of greif is multiplied infinitly when you are alone in your grief. and that is the 1 bullet I dodged thanks to you.

This is a little long but I want to share my Facebook posting sent to family and freinds on  what my family was forced to digest and accept over the coarse of 42 days;

Today is a very sad day..

November 2011 confirmed what I have always believed to be true. I have learned that the word “fair” is simply an illusion created exclusively by humans to maintain a perception of what should be right and just. We even have a word that describes the effect of when fairness is not realized, “unfair”. When one is impacted by this absence of fairness, it can be both devastating and heartbreaking. But the real crime and anguish that occurs next, is the succeeding illusion that somewhere out there, is an answer to the question of “why”. Why did this inequality of fairness occur? Worse yet, the desperation to discover the  answer to the question of “why” is in direct proportion to the severity of the unjust event, it will also define the days of your life that this question will be both asked and unanswered.

  The question of “why” has no answer. Fairness and equality are man-made, invented, concepts created to keep a perception of balance and harmony. These words have no meaning to anything else that is not human, riding on the crust of the earth as it abandons order and hurtles towards chaos. To try to apply and enforce this mindset on anything that is outside the realm of humanity is at a minimum arrogant.  This has been proven to me time and time again as I once again endure and suffer the pain of a fatal inequity that has overwhelmed my family today.

I soon came to realize despite a glimmer of hope…. This is a fight that we will not win.

On October 6th my beloved three year old English Bulldog Max, showed the first outward symptom of an illness that we later learned had been present for quite some time.  Despite suffering from a number of what appeared to be unrelated symptoms, I was reassured by 3 different vets during 7 different appointments that he was suffering from a bilateral orthopedic knee issue. My gut had told me that the symptoms had to be connected in some way, and I pushed and pushed and pushed all the time being dismissed by the vets as I was told dogs don’t die from ligament injuries. My objectivity that had so served me in the past was useless on this animal I loved. As Max’s health continued to decline to the point where his eyes when they looked at me were saying help me. I rush him to his 8th appointment and see a 4th vet. Within 15 minutes of my arrival, a simple x-ray confirmed something that I hadn’t even considered. Max had metastatic bone cancer, and there were no options for treatment. Within 10 seconds I had to digest both the disease and the decision to put him down then and there. I was selfish and left with him knowing there was no possible way Michelle, Nicole and Samantha were not going to have an opportunity to say goodbye. So I picked him up and we went to his favorite place, Dog Beach. Later we would gather that evening as a family and say goodbye to a dear family member. Now even with this new knowledge of the terminal diagnosis, my gut was still not sure, we took him to a Bulldog specialist vet who eventually came to a similar diagnosis, Lymphoma. Like an out of control freight train it took Max from us in 41 days.

Now please understand these are the rambling words of a very angry man who had no choice but to silence one of two opposing voices that were emanating from my heart. In retrospect the correct decision although horrifically difficult, was obvious. One voice served me, and the other served him. Then again it was not me who made the decision. It was Max that made the decision, the message from his eyes at that point was painfully clear. He was ready.

Six hours ago my family watched and held Max as he took his last breath.  There are no words to express the pain our family is feeling. He was only 3 and I feel cheated.  I have every right in the world to seek some sort of retribution for the lack of care and urgency I witnessed during these vet appointments. But the fight for fairness and admonishment would only contaminate awesome memories and add bad feelings to the end of this story. In my world all stories should have a happy ending. More importantly, anger would rob me of what this truly special animal has taught me. Now the important thing to know here is that Max is an English bulldog. And in a book called “The intelligence of dogs” where the author ranked 80 different breeds in order of intelligence from 1 to 80, 1 being the smartest,  Max ranked 77th (also understand that the criteria  for the number 1 position stated that after showing a dog, [Border Collie]a new command 5 times he will perform that command 75 percent of the time, whereas at level 77 an English bulldog that was showed a new command 100 times could only perform it 25 percent of the time). I have just recently read this, but I have always known it, I have always said this dog drive is pure instinct. With this pure drive of instinct he was so predictable. It always amazed me how this dog with little to no thought process was able to escape the fate of Darwinism. And then one day it hit me. He showed me what no human had ever been able to teach me, yes it was explained to me many many times but I could never grasp it. In fact I think because it is so simple it escapes most people. Max never looked into his past and felt regret, he never anticipated or looked into the future with anxiety. His attention was always without fail in the present, constantly thinking “what can I do for me, me, me now?”  He taught me to live in the moment and always be present, and it is so important to know this because if you really think about it “the moment”  “the present” is the only thing you really have. And if you don’t understand that, don’t waste your money on a therapist, get yourself a bulldog.

I miss you Buddy..