By Peter Baynes
Many years ago at a party at our house, a not-too-fledgling judge inquired of Derek Rayne, “What do you say to exhibitors who complain?” Derek with a mischievous glint in his eye replied, “I never thought about it, because no one ever complains!”
Obviously other judges have thought about it, as is obvious from comments made by them on Internet chat lists. When I started judging, I also thought about it. Previously being a professional handler, who honestly never complained, I was aware of handlers and exhibitors who had a reputation for harassing judges.
I therefore collected a list of comebacks to use should the occasion Adminse. Unfortunately, the ammunition remained unused by me, just smoldering in the bowels of my pocket PC. I have shown it to a few judges who seemed to chuckle with agreement. Therefore, this month I decided to give several retorts an airing, and pass them on to judges who appear to fear a confrontation with disturbed inquiring minds.
I realize not all can have the demeanor and regal appearance of the late Derek Rayne, or the unbalanced look of a Peter Baynes.
Therefore, take a careful look at the following list, and see if any of the comments are appropriate. It must be understood that I hereby emphasize that I shall not be responsible for any consequences suffered by any of the user(s). Remember, it is usually better to smile and say nothing.
• I realize people may be angry, people may be hurt. But I cannot concern myself with that. As with all true artists, I don’t expect to be understood during my lifetime.
• I can only please a select few people per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking too good either.
• Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
• To paraphrase the Aga Khan, “There's no discussion on this. I determine things, you accept!”
• Why are you here, and what can I do to change that?
• Ask no questions and hear no lies.
• Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
• As soon as you see things my way, we will be in complete agreement.
• Watch out! It's quite possible that some of my best mistakes haven't yet been made.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• I want it clearly understood that I'm totally confused.
• What I like most about myself is that I so understand when I do something wrong.
• My opinion is not etched in stone; it was based on a two minute performance today.
• If errors have been made, maybe we can blame the other judges.
• I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
• If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
• I never argue with people for whose opinions I have no respect.
• Correct me if I’m wrong, but at your own risk.
• Talent does not give you an excuse to be a jerk.
• I'm not being rude, you’re just insignificant.
• I'd insult you, but you’re not bright enough to notice.
• I've never heard four-letter words uttered with such dignity.
• So that this doesn’t go any further, just whisper my favorite words: “I apologize.”
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• Would you care to repeat that into this tape recorder?
• I like long walks, especially those taken by people who annoy me.
• A chat with you and death loses its sting!
• Anybody who thinks I am strange ought to meet you.
• My mind not only wonders; it sometimes leaves me completely.
• I know it’s not in the standard, but I always thought “ugly” was a serious fault.
• I didn't “dump” your dog, I just misplaced him.
• Here’s a quarter, call somebody who cares.
• Have they changed the standard and no one told me?
• I didn’t say I didn't like your dog. I just said I thought he should be neutered.
• Maybe it would do well in obedience.
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
• If you take your dog around the ring a few more times, maybe I can discover some virtue.
• I think I understand this breed, but I just don’t give a damn.
• Why don’t you try trading this dog for what’s behind door #2?
• I’d like to buy this dog for what I think he’s worth and sell him for what YOU think he’s worth.
• You have to accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
• I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
• If I throw a stick, will you leave?
• It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
• Don’t blame me, blame the home, they just let me out for the day.
• If you’re trying to drive me crazy, you’re too late!
• I support free speech, but only if you agree with me.
• I am a mental tourist, my mind wanders.
• You should let your willpower get the best of you.
• I know it all. I just can’t remember it all.
• I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
• Am I getting smart with you?...How would you know?
• I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• Back off! You're standing in my aura.
• Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
• Probably this is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
• I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
• Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
• Is it time for your medication or mine?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
• What a coincidence! I am shallow, too!
• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
• You may have a point there, but if you part your hair different, no one would see.
• Just because your head is pointed doesn't mean you’re sharp.
• Don’t go away mad, just go away!
• You give superficial a bad name.
• Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might leave a stain.
• I think your engine’s running but no one’s at the wheel.
• Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you’re talented.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• I think you must be rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.
• After listening to you, I think you ought to have a warning label on your forehead.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• You sound reasonable...It must be time for me to take my medication.
• I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.